Despite all of the turmoil and acrimony, I ended up getting back together with my former girlfriend, and we are engaged to be married. I love her, unequivically, and this fact alone is what I hold onto when I have those moments of sublime anger. I say sublime, because they are pure, and from the heart. I just know what I know and, while it fades with time, the thoughts and knowledge brings me to a hateful boil. Hearing about her experience overseas, period, pretty much automatically brings those feelings and thoughts up. The way it happened, the people, the different person than who I thought I knew, and who I feel I know now.
I want nothing more than to marry her, and to be her adoring husband, and I will...but I fear that I will always hold that bitter disappointment in my heart.
I love her more than I have ever loved anyone or anything, truly, and she is the light of my life, but some other things are forever too. That is reality... I pray that it doesn't go wrong again, that she doesn't hurt me again. I am prepared if it does...Faith in her says to believe what she tells me…those walls that I tried so very hard not to build tell me to protect myself…to doubt her a little… to keep her at arms distance, if only a little. I hate those walls. With every fiber of my being, I hate those walls, and I hate the reason that they exist.
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