It is cloudy here today, the first time in a long time. It's been a hot mofo here in the Pac NW this summer, and I relish in the clouds, sprinkled rain drops, and feeling the my beloved Fall is on the way.
I thought about her a lot today, and the sting is still there. I don't obsess or wonder what she's doing. I don't think about who she is with, or what her day is like. I just miss that feeling of open love. I miss wanting someone with every fiber of my being, and -if only for a short while - feeling that she wanted me back just as much. I should be in Europe, asking her for her hand, but she changed her mind, and so here I am. I don't hold it against her...I just miss what was, and what could have been.
Erin McKeown sang it best...
"tonight in my disappointment and pride
I am amplified
They asked if I would be alright
Weren't I amplified
Tonight the pleasure would have been all mine
Weren't I amplified
The next time you come won't pass me by
I will amplify
You never know what you miss 'til you have it."
It makes me want to go and do, to be someone different, to be somewhere new, to be anonymous. A grown man, a veteran of combat, a fighter isn't supposed to be so fragile, and yet here I am. Each day seems to get better, with moments of brief and amazing sadness.
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