How

I actually shouted.... But you still can't hear me.
A break, a pause, like that makes it ok. Like that means it doesn't hurt.
Someday it will be like ashes in your mouth, and the crippled excuses you mutter should fall from your mouth like bricks from a skyscraper.
I truly hope that you feel the pain that I feel. I wish that you could bathe in it.

A fraud perhaps...

Look at you all shiny and clean
Something new to impress them with
Underneath, what really beats
I feel I know, a dirty mess
You profess and you show
Both of which are old hat
Aren't they?
Time will tell, yes time
In the end
But Father Time is not my friend
A smile that falters may be all that I am left with

It's been a while.... Good and bad

Hello me. It's me. It's been a little bit... So, I'm back. Gearing up for the annual Race the Reaper run in early October. I am running with a new buddy, and a guy who pretty much exudes "stand up", from all that I've seen. I'm nervous to run with him though, as he's got crazy ultra marathon bonafides. It'll be fun, but I hope not to flag early on! I'm really getting back on track to participate in Tough Mudder next year. That is, and has been, the end-all-be-all of these runs. My afore mentioned buddy did one in Texas at the beginning of this year, and he made it sound as bad ass and tough as I've dreamed it will be. Train, train, train! Let's see, what else.... Oh! I married her. I'm happy, and I'm so very much in love that it's sort of pathetic. lol. I'm still bitter sometimes and, looking back on all of the writing that I did over the last year (in many mediums, obviously not this one only - as scant as it is and has been) I can see the hurt that has healed, and focus on those things that (maddeningly) linger. Teddy bear t-shirts, toy soldiers, the same lingering questions, and what else...? This too shall (hopefully) pass. My motorcycle has seemingly been put on eternahold. I just get so stinking busy, and every spare cent gone to the wedding (which I didn't even pick up the majority of) that I haven't seen my builder in almost 8 months. He doesn't deserve that, so I'm paying him extra, and having him complete a few more small areas prior to my retrieving the bike for storage. We'll see... Other than that, my life is roses. Working hard at work, happy, so very happy, to be married to my love, and trying to keep my kids from killing one another. lol.

Execrcise, motorcycles, and psychotherapy for myself.

Wow! I got up this morning NOT wanting to run, but stepped up and did it. I've been paying attention to my weight (which is pretty good, really), as I want to get down to 185. Rolling in at about 203 right now, but 185 would be a great walking weight, and fighting weight. I have also been looking up skin elasticity, as I lost so much weight, that I feel "saggy", and it's pretty gross feeling to me, honestly. Need to max my PT test, in the Fall, for a 17 to 21 year old. 62 push ups, 72 sit ups, and less than 13 minutes for 2 miles. That is cake, but I need to do it. I have been slacking pretty badly, mostly due to a 1.5 hour commute each way to work (everyday). I also had to focus on my two mile timed run for work, and that has effectively killed any of the distance that I had built up. Time to start over, and to pray for that transfer to the work site that is 15 minutes (in traffic) from my house. Dear God... por favor? I am now, probably more than ever, thinking about the Tough Mudder. I want to participate, and to finish with endurance and energy to spare. I want to prove all of the nay sayers wrong; I want to show them that age is just that... an age.

I MUST get back to my bike. I have had no time (and, honestly, not the money) to dive into the project. I have around 4K to go in order to make it the perfect ride. I have decided to make the roller complete; the frame, seat, forks, bars, wheels, tank... and then take the bike back to my garage and begin to gradually assemble it. The engine will be next, followed by the wiring. Once I assemble it completely, and have a perfectly running machine, then I'll strip it and go to paint. Viola! The plan emerges. :) My brain works through the issues a little better everyday; through the anger and hurt. I have questions, or more likely accusations. I want to say so many things... but they're jabs, hurtful comments...garbage. All of those things that I want to say (to shout) can only hurt. They would hurt us both, and I only want to succeed with her. I remind myself that I have what I wanted, and that I am happier than I have ever truly been. I adore her, and I want to share my future, past, and present with her, so I work through those moments, and I find that they fade with time... she wasn't mine, and her reasons were hers, as much as they (and her actions) bring me shame and anger. She came back and worked to talk to me, tried to make a dent, and that matters. I will marry her, and those hurts will continue to fade, with only the occasional and sublime moment of the most unhappy thoughts. Sound poetic? It isn't. Try waking up to that bullshit once or twice a week. It fucking pisses me off. Slainte!

Some days....

Rough Sunday... Got up early and had a really good (albeit short) run, solely for PT testing time. I got a ton of grocery shopping done as well, which was nice. The Red Sox are winning after a terrible start. That makes me smile. I received my 21", 1975, spoked, drum brake rim this week. It's pretty cool, since I'm running a front brake now. I didn't like it at first, but it does make sense, and it looks pretty rock-a-billy.

I have decided to try and go back to Kung Fu on Monday and Tuesday nights, just to spar again. My knees will hurt, but I really would like to have a physical outlet, and to train. I miss fighting, and especially the good people that are at the Gwoon. We'll see what my schedule and lazy ass say. lol

Bobber Madness!!

I have another 21" front wheel now, and this one has a drum brake. My better half decided that a rear drum only was not enough braking power to keep me around for the allotted time that we should be married, and or for the insurance to kick in. I found it off an old 70's dirt bike, and it ought to be perfect. I worry only about the axle thickness, whether it will be too thin, or too thick. A larger diameter would be ok, as I could simply bore out the forks. We'll see when she gets here.

I'm going to buy a PMA kit to replace the stock stator, brushes, and flywheel. Will give me more juice and smoother current. As well, I'm going with a PAMCO hall effect ignition system. I'm really entertaining the idea of rephasing the engine now, and adding that version of the ignition system. Should be a boss... Between the rephase (which will increase h.p. as well as reduce vibration by half), the ignition, the PMA, and a general rebuild, this engine will be brand new. As reliable as anything off the showroom floor, powerful, and a brilliant addition to my bike.

Slainte!

Things do change, apparently

Despite all of the turmoil and acrimony, I ended up getting back together with my former girlfriend, and we are engaged to be married. I love her, unequivically, and this fact alone is what I hold onto when I have those moments of sublime anger. I say sublime, because they are pure, and from the heart. I just know what I know and, while it fades with time, the thoughts and knowledge brings me to a hateful boil. Hearing about her experience overseas, period, pretty much automatically brings those feelings and thoughts up. The way it happened, the people, the different person than who I thought I knew, and who I feel I know now.

I want nothing more than to marry her, and to be her adoring husband, and I will...but I fear that I will always hold that bitter disappointment in my heart.
I love her more than I have ever loved anyone or anything, truly, and she is the light of my life, but some other things are forever too. That is reality... I pray that it doesn't go wrong again, that she doesn't hurt me again. I am prepared if it does...Faith in her says to believe what she tells me…those walls that I tried so very hard not to build tell me to protect myself…to doubt her a little… to keep her at arms distance, if only a little. I hate those walls. With every fiber of my being, I hate those walls, and I hate the reason that they exist.